why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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