Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
