why didn't you poke me back
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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