I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my sisters under your porch take her home
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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