My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
