The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
As shirtless as possible
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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