New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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