your parents love me but you hate me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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