Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
