don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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