This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
