Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
