Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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