trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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