Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Come share oat with me in your robe
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
