my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
