even my farts smell like vagina
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
