i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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