how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize