just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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