who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize