worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
