I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
