I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
