1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
