I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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