there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
