It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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