I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
