I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
