You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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