Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
