He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I love having hate sex.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize