Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
