I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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