do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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