I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
