If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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