I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
