It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
