her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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