My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
