I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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