Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
