You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
