She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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