Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize