you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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