I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
