he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
