if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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