why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
