He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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