if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
