You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
