If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
