If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
