you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
