Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
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