If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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